Difficult conversations can’t be ignored, only postponed.

“Abandon the idea of being fearless, and instead walk directly into your fears, with your values as your guide, toward what matters to you. Courage is not an absence of fear; courage is fear walking.”  — Susan David in The Emotional Agility Manifesto

Raising a teenager is not for the faint of heart. You worry that each word that comes out of your mouth (or the ones that don’t) will have a deep and long-lasting impact on the life you are charged with nurturing. 

I’m co-parent to an incredible 16-year-old young man. I came to parenthood later in life (as is customary in my family — Dad was 40 and Mom was 35 when I was born). Complicating things further, he’s my step son, so although I’ve known him for over three-quarters of his life, I’m also a strange mix of primary and ancillary caregivers. 

Anyway, as a parent I frequently find myself having no idea if I’m doing the right thing or not, and figure I may only find out years from now. The situation reminds me of items #33 and #34 on psychoanalyst Sheldon Kopp’s Eschatological Laundry List of eternal truths:   

          33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data.          34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do.

But last night something special happened. I noticed that as my wife and I navigated a somewhat sticky situation (an ordinary but concerning issue with my son’s behavior), I realized our family had developed a strong habit of talking about difficult topics authentically and with care and respect. We talk, we share and we listen. 

What could have gone terribly wrong (and did often in my family of origin) turned into a sweet experience where we all felt connected to each other. 

Why did things turn out so well? Because we leaned into a difficult conversation. We faced the topic head-on but with compassion and gentleness. We didn’t ignore things nor did we try to control them. 

Life is complex. It throws you curveballs and there is no guarantee of success. This is especially true if you’re trying to do something important like managing your own career, leading a team, or raising a child (many of us are doing all three at the same time!). 

So here are some additions to Kopp’s list: 

• Difficult conversations can’t be ignored, only postponed.

• Conversations tend to become more difficult the longer you postpone them. 

Are you putting off a conversation with a colleague or family member? Alex (my wife) and I wrote a book that may help you have the conversation and keep it focused on mutual benefit rather than becoming antagonistic. It’s called Radical Alignment. Give it a try and let me know how it goes. 

— Bob Gower

PS: If you’re ready to improve the effectiveness of your team or company, hit reply, and let’s talk.